Team First in Financial Coaching

This blog post is dedicated to to some people that I want to “help” but simply cannot “help” coach them financially.  The first rule of financial coaching is that money is a complex issue that requires both people in a marriage to work together on a set of common goals.  I have completed training with several Christian organizations that teach solid financial principles.  Every single organization has a hard fast rule – never ever engage in a coaching/counseling situation without both parties involved.

The number one reason why I have to turn people away as clients is that they are married and only one person wants to work on the family finances.  One person will not come to the table and talk about their financial wants, needs and desires.  One person does not see a revolving-credit-based lifestyle as a problem.  One person has some type of addiction.  (Addicitions and financial problems go hand in hand.  Almost every addict has some type of financial issue surrounding the addiction.)

Within the last three months I have had to turn away two prospective clients because their spouse has a gambling addiction in denial.  Could I have “helped” the seeker spouse learn to deal with creditors?  Somewhat.  Could I have taught them how to work a debt snowball?  Absolutely.  Could I have taught one person how to put aside money and budget?  You bet.  I have a proven track record doing all of these things.

I spend time and money setting up my business.  I spend very hard earned dollars on marketing to bring new perspective clients to my business.  Why on God’s green earth would I ever turn away people for “help” when they they have money to spend on my services and almost meet all of my minimum criteria?

The answer is very simple.  I believe in truely helping people and serving their real and perceived needs.  I believe in only offering services that are within my areas of expertise.  When a couple cannot agree to sit down and discuss their financial concerns together, there is a deeper issue at play than just financial issues.  That deeper issue needs to be resolved with a marriage and family therapist. The program that I use teaches good healthy communication habits in a marriage.  Most people surveyed will indicate that our approach to life and money helps couples come together and work on a plan together.

Gambling addictions require the person to #1 admit that they have a problem.  Most people would agree when a person takes the mortgage payment money and head off to the casino’s, there is an addiction involved.  When one person does not see they have a problem, they will not seek help nor will they try to change their ways.  So I could teach the healthy spouse to use a lot of great budgeting and financial planning tools.  However, what good would it do them at the end of the day when their spouse takes the money set aside for the mortgage payment and ends up loosing it at the blackjack tables?  If one spouse just loves always having a payment to make – the same rule applies.  What good would it do the marriage to teach one person to sacrifice to win – only so their spouse can go out and buy a nicer car with a bigger car payment?  The bottom line is this.  Both people have to want to work together on some mutual goals.  If the couple does not have that base to work from, the chances of my advice being used as a club or a dividing wedge becomes very high.  I’m here to help people learn to work together so that they can win at life and money – to achieve that goal I have to have a baseline of a common goals.  That goal is both people see the value of my services and want to work on a plan together.

So what did I tell the people with the gambling spouse?  Did I just say, thanks for calling but no thanks.  Good luck.  Hope things work out for you?  Absolutely not.

In both situations I spent well over an hour on the phone providing free coaching to truely help them get pointed in the right direction.  I explained, I am a financial coach.  I teach people to live on less than they make and do something smart with the difference.  The smartest thing you can do right now is to hire a marriage and family counselor that has the skill set to help people work through an addiction.  If your spouse will not go see that counselor with you, then the best thing you can do with your money is hire the counselor to help you develop a plan to help your spouse hit rock bottom as quickly as possible.  Your spouse needs to hit rock bottom before they admit they have a problem and seek help.  Don’t waste your money on a bankruptcy attorney.  Don’t waste your money with a debt settlement person.  Don’t waste your money on my coaching services either.  Your biggest issue is your marriage.  As soon as you get that relatively stable and your spouse is willing to take my advice to heart, then by all means call me back.  Your finances will be a lot easier to address when you’re both working on them together on the same team.  Hiring me to help you with finances at this point is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound.  You have to get the bullet removed first.  Then we can talk about treating the wounds and the damage this bullet created.  Until you’re both willing to work on finances together, you will never be able to as many positive steps forward financially speaking as your gambling addict spouse will set you back.

What is your thoughts and experiences on the matter?